Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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