I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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