After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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