Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
