I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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