I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
