4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
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The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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