we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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