No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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