my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
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You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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