proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
