I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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