She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
