Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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