non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
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