I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
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As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
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I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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