I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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