I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
