I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The best revenge is premature balding
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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