everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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