Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
