There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
