I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
