I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
