even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
