You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
