Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
