i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am midnight drunk by noon
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
