his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
