who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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