On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
