so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
