I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
