I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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