in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
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