I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
