Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
