The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
