I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
