ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
