I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
