Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
