so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
