yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i just had sex bonerless
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
