Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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