i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Randomize
