so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
