i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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