If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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