saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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