if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
