dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
