Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
