What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
