tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
