i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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