There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
