I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
