Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
