I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Two words: blizzard sex
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
