Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
