I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
