I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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